I think I have invented a new hobby for myself. I call it “tweaking” because I keep tweaking various companies to see if I can get them to admit their weaknesses and failings.
This past week or so I continued to tweak the help-with-your-invention companies. I decided that chrome plated vegetables wasn’t ludicrous enough so this time I told four different companies that I was working on something that was even more idiotic. (Of course I didn’t tell them that.) In the box where they asked me to describe my invention, this is what I put down.
“We are working on a formula that will bring dead pets back to life. We have had some limited success so far. In Phase I, our laboratory developed a pill that makes live pets dead. Phase II will be a pill that has no effect at all. Finally, at Phase III, we hope to develop the pill that will revive dead pets”
Believe it or not, three of the four companies are still interested in working with me to help me patent the idea. One guy called me ask for more information.
He said, “I understand you are working on a pill that will make dead pets come back to life.”
I said, “That’s right.”
He said, “Wow. That would be fantastic.”
I said, “Yeah. That’s what everybody says.” (Then I hung up.)
Here’s another “tweaker” of mine but first a brief explanation. If you have ever done a Google search, you know that it will frequently yield many, many pages of results. It is an accepted fact that if your company is not on the first or second page, you have little chance of being contacted by a prospective buyer. So that resulted in the science called Search Engine Optimization or SEO for short. There are SEO companies that will work on your web site to have your company appear on pages one or two when a prospect does a web search.
The other day I Googled the words “search engine optimization” and up popped about 43 pages of companies offering to do that for me. I presume you see the irony of a company promising to use special techniques – at a husky fee – to place me on page one or two when they are on page 42 themselves.
I called one of the companies on page 42 pretending to be dumb (that was the easy part) and the conversation went something like this.
Them – “A-one Optimizer Company.”
Me – “Hi. I’ve been hearing about this search engine ultimatum (sic) thing. Is that what you do?”
“Yes, we do. It’s called search engine optimization.”
“Can you tell me about it and how it works?”
“We modify your web site using various special techniques and tricks that will put your company on the first few pages of a Google search”
“Why is that important?”
“It’s a well known fact that if you’re not on the first few pages of a search, you will not get any calls.”
“What sort of techniques do you use?”
“That’s proprietary information and I can’t tell you unless you sign up with us.”
“Have you been successful doing this for your clients? Getting them on page one or two?”
“By the way, what page are you guys on?”
He hung up.
Another fun day of tweaking.
©2017 Paul Burri
Paul Burri, RSA, is a retired inventor & entrepreneur, writer, columnist, life-long woodworker, photographer and general know-it-all. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
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