When What You Love Is Gone

I was listening to Frank Sinatra sing “When  Your Lover  Has  Gone.” As he moaned and groaned his way through the lyrics, I couldn’t help but think how much those words applied to some retirees who loved their work so much that it was clear their job was pretty much the sum and substance of their life. It was painful to let it go.

Many seniors suffer from depression, which can result from personal loss, debilitating health, significant change, repressed anger, or painful life events. Those are not the only causes, but retirement, no matter how much you may look forward to it, is a significant transition and often a traumatic event. It’s the closure of a lifetime of contribution. It’s saying goodbye to part of you that will never exist again except in memory. For some, it can be no less devastating than the death of a loved one.

How often have you heard it said of someone, “Didn’t he used to be a lawyer?” or “Didn’t she used to be a nurse?” I am often asked, “Weren’t you a pharmacist? My answer is, “Yes, not only did I used to be, I still am. The “Didn’t you used to be?” question can be irritating because it’s a reminder of what you used to be that you enjoyed so much.

Retirement can be especially difficult for a man who, pre-retirement, held a powerful corporate position. His windowed corner office was on the 35th floor, guarded by his secretary and other support individuals behind imposing desks. One day, he is behind his huge desk, giving orders and receiving deferential treatment and respect. The day after he retires, it’s all over.

All he has to show for years of dedication to the company is retirement income and a gold watch. A lifetime of establishing identity in his work is gone. And it’s gone for good. If he is married,  he will now be taking orders from a new higher ranking boss, his wife, who has likely been in charge of things on the home front and holds seniority in domestic management decisions for which she needs no help.

Suddenly, the man accustomed to being the king of his work castle no longer has a castle or a crown. What is he supposed to do? Accompany his wife on trips to the supermarket to direct her product choices? How do you think his wife feels? Can you say “major adjustment” that may be difficult and riddled with strife for him and his wife?

There is no doubt about it: After you retire, your value as a human being and your professional or business abilities immediately change and diminish in the eyes of the world. You know you are still the same capable person, but the general disregard of your worth doesn’t feed your self-esteem.

How about volunteering? I love it—it’s the greatest invention since sliced cheese. It provides an opportunity to meet new, inspiring, action-oriented people, especially if you are open to finding new opportunities. Once retired, volunteering can do wonders to re-establish a sense of self-worth—which I say with some reservation.

I don’t encourage volunteer work as a primary retirement activity because, frankly, I have mixed feelings about seniors working without pay unless they are living above the poverty level. Unfortunately, there is an unspoken belief that retirees should volunteer because they have nothing better to do than watch soap operas.

A friend volunteers in a hospital pharmacy several days a week. She’s only marginally secure financially, so I asked why she volunteers instead of getting a job. She said she would like extra income but doesn’t feel qualified to work at a paying job because of her age (72). She feels she works on her terms as a volunteer, which is not entirely true; they wouldn’t rely on her as they do if she didn’t produce.

Because she’s been doing the same type of work for years, she’s as competent as one could ask. How heartbreaking that she has so little confidence in her ability and worth because of her age. How sad that the culture establishes the rules of life based on chronological age. We have been brainwashed to believe that our age rules our life when, in fact, chronological age has no power to control anything. Our chronological age establishes dates of events in our life. That’s it. Nothing more.

Indeed, volunteering is noble. It warms the heart and soul to help others and expect nothing in return. Such kindness should be encouraged. Yet, there is magic in receiving a paycheck for work well done. It is liberating both financially and emotionally; it boosts self-esteem as little else can, particularly at a time in life when self-sufficiency is not expected or encouraged.

I would like to make a case for paid volunteering, but providing reimbursement for volunteer labor would negate the meaning of “volunteer.” Nevertheless, I think it would be prudent to consider some financial reward, especially for low-income volunteers.

At retirement age, it’s wise to try to think ahead. I know it’s not easy. Your choices at age 62-65 will likely live with you for the rest of your life. Choose carefully because you may live far longer than you imagined, and the lifestyle you create or adopt at retirement can influence your future health,  happiness, and satisfaction.

Remember, the usual leisure-oriented lifestyle is attractive because our human nature prefers ease over effort; however, it results in the usual decline in old age. On the other hand, a lifestyle that constantly challenges the brain and body usually delays decline significantly. The payoff is priceless.

If you are now well into leisure retirement and would like to be even minimally productive, remember, it’s not over until it’s over. Inventory your mental and physical assets. How can you use them productively? If you really want to do something but don’t know where to start, don’t be afraid to ask for help from someone knowledgeable in the area that interests you.  Be brave. Do it!

For immediate inspiration, read Zee Cason’s article for this month. In spite of her own myriad health problems, she volunteers daily to help and encourage other seniors who are hurting.