Here’s What’s Inside:

How To Regard This Advice | What Is “Old”? | The Truth | The Hunt Begins | Photos | Profile | Appearance And Cultural Change | The Great Deception | Health | Messaging | Age | Sex | Religious And Political Preferences | Location | Contact |

How to regard this advice . . .

What is perceived as criticism or negativity is hard to take but sometimes, telling it “like it is” is the only way to tell it.

Generally, men don’t like to be told what to do and that’s understandable but sometimes, you have to bite the bullet and pay attention to what you are being told “for your own good”.  You don’t have to accept it or believe it, but it’s like listening to your mother or Dr. Phil.

The bottom line is that you want to meet the last and best love of your life. If you haven’t been successful so far, go ahead and take the medicine in this essay. It is written as a result of experience. It’s intended to help so read in that light.

What Is “Old”?

Okay, you are “old” or think you are old or have been led to believe you are old by outdated cultural standards. But what IS “old”? No, it’s not chronological age — meaning, the number of years you have lived.  Being old is a state of mind.

Decline doesn’t necessarily correlate with chronological age. You can be youthful at 85 or old at 75. It depends on how you have lived in your youth, how you think about age now, and the environment in which you live now.  If you live in a community surrounded only by people your own age who are in various stages of mental and physical decline, then you will likely decline faster because we tend to adopt attitudes, values, beliefs, and behaviors of those we associate with most often. If you work even part-time, that’s a plus. It connects you with the real world and broadens your thinking. Working or volunteering requires effort and concentration and that helps the brain stay active, alert and youthful.

Genetic makeup plays a role in aging but not as much as you may think. The bottom line is that the year you were born doesn’t matter unless you believe it does and lives as if it does.

The Truth

Everyone regardless of age needs and wants someone to love who loves them back. It’s that simple. But it’s difficult for a man who has forgotten how to properly interact with or be with a woman. It’s hard for a man who loses his beloved wife when in his 70s or for a man who has lived a mundane life for more years than he can remember with a woman he took for granted and never thought about what life might be like without her until he found himself alone, lonely and wanting sex. It can be challenging for him to get his brain in gear and start thinking about attracting a new, and hopefully, a younger sexy woman. Over the years he did a lot of fantasizing about being with a beautiful sexy woman but when reality hits the fantasy dissipates.

There are lots of ways an older man can meet a new woman and it should be easy because there are more widows and divorcees than men. While there are lots of women, if they are younger, educated, and good looking, they are choosy. If a man doesn’t look good or appear to be at or above a woman’s social or educational status, chances with those ladies are slim. No, it’s not elitism; it’s realism. People prefer to be with those who are like them. Not always, but usually.

The Hunt Begins

So, where does a man find the woman of his dreams?  Church, social clubs, volunteer gigs, senior centers, friends, Starbucks and bars are usual places to look,  but “the” woman can’t be found in those places so men sign up on an online dating site — a place that can be either dangerous for an “innocent” man or the jackpot of gold at the end of the rainbow, meaning, finding the last love of his life.

I say “innocent” in the sense that most people who sign up on a dating site may not be aware that scammers abound on dating sites. Scammers are pros who want your money and suck you in before you know what happened. There are several ways to identify a scammer but unfortunately, it may take a while until you recognize their tricks and techniques. A scammer, either male or female, often uses the photo of someone found on the internet that is hard to resist. Grammar in messages to you is poor and different from the wording of the professionally composed profile. That’s the first warning sign that something isn’t right.

A scammer will study your profile and use it to tell you what you want to hear. Do you like to ski? The scammer loves to ski. Do you like to travel?  The scammer loves to travel and intimates the two of you can have a romantic tryst while traveling. Whatever your physical appearance, the scammer will constantly tell you how sexy and handsome you are. Typically, a scammer asks for your email or phone number right out of the gate suggesting the two of you can share photos and “converse better” that way.

Be assured you can do all the conversing and photo sharing you want to do right on the dating site. Once a scammer gets your email and phone number you are set up to be hoodwinked beyond your wildest imagination.  More than once The Dr. Phil show  has aired stories about lonely older men who found their “ideal” woman on a dating site who fleeced the men out of their life savings. Problem is, the “woman” is a man who lives in Nigeria.

Success on a dating site comes with knowing some simple facts about how the site works and how to present yourself and stay safe on the site while attracting the last love of your life.

So, let’s start at the beginning.

Photos

A first step of critical importance is a clear current, photo — and I do mean clear and current. Nothing older than three years. Nothing makes a woman angrier than meeting a man for the first time whose photo on the site looked like Don Juan, only to find that Don Juan is a shriveled little old man. Nothing wrong with shriveled little old men, it happens to the best. It’s just not acceptable to mischaracterize who you are. So let’s look at some dos and don’ts about photos.

Get a professional photo! Pay a pro to do it. Wear your Sunday best. If you are serious about finding the right woman, it’s essential. Selfies are great as additional photos but for the main photo, nothing but a photo that presents you in the BEST way will do.  I can’t stress how important this is. A woman judges you in the first three seconds of seeing your photo. If you don’t have the “look” she is looking for, you are toast in a nanosecond so make your photo count! Here is a summation of the kinds of photos many old men post and women usually reject:

1. He has a beer belly, wears suspenders, baseball cap, wrinkled shirt, grubby looking jeans, has a Santa Claus beard, isn’t smiling, and he’s plunked in an old easy chair with his cat or dog. He is what he is but there is more than one way to present himself. He doesn’t have to be in an easy chair looking like rigor mortis has set in. A woman looks at that photo and wonders if there is any life left in him. In his mind he is looking for a hot classy babe but such a photo is not going to attract her — it won’t even come close.
2. He is unusually youthful looking, in great shape and topless. What does that say about who he is and what he is looking for? It says he thinks he’s a sexy guy and is looking for a woman who appreciates that, and that’s perfectly okay! Fitness is wonderful but there is more than one way to flaunt it. A man who is fit can look very sexy in a suit — even more so than with a bare chest.

However,  many men consider a suit and tie outdated and old-fashioned but a suit and tie has never lost its power to convey success which appeals to a woman looking for a successful professional or businessman. Like prefers like and not only that, most women want a man who is a step above what she offers. If you are a tee shirt and jeans kind of guy — that’s great. Show yourself that way and that’s the type of women you will attract. If you want a hippie from the ’60s,  tie-dyed anything. some gold chains and your Harley is your bait. Show yourself in a way that attracts women you want to attract!

3. He doesn’t smile — actually he may look stern or angry. Or his face and eyes are lifeless and depending on his degree of decline, his mouth may be hanging open. (no kidding about that!) Ninety-five percent of men over 75 (and the older they get the more likely it is to happen) post that type of photo. If that’s your photo it tells the ladies you are breathing but not alive. A woman knows your mental and physical condition just by looking at your photo! A picture is truly worth a thousand words.

A reason for the unsmiling photo may be that teeth are bad or missing. Hot flash — women look for a man with a NICE smile. A broad smile and a sparkle in your eyes mean you still have life left in you.  If your teeth are decayed,  missing or if you have bleeding gums  — do yourself and your health a favor and get everything fixed. If gums are bleeding — they are probably infected and sending bacteria all over the body resulting in you not feeling well or experiencing various aches and pains.

Dental work can be expensive but prioritize — taking care of your teeth is more important than spending money for an expensive antique car (and many men have more than one of them),  a cruise or junket to Europe. Think about it — no woman wants to kiss a man with infected gums or unattractive smile.

4. The clueless guy who posts photos of fish he has caught, his truck, his dog, RV, pictures he has painted, food he has cooked, a group photo with his buddies in which it’s impossible to tell which one is him, and even a photo of him with his deceased wife which suggests he is not ready to move on. He posts photos of his childhood or photos of when he was young and handsome in the Army. This is not the time to post photos of the past. Or, he posts a photo of himself with a nice looking woman without identifying who she is. Seeing you with a woman, identified or not,  is a turn-off, even if she is your sister or granddaughter. A woman doesn’t want to date your fish, RV, antique car, your relatives or buddies, your dog or your talents. She wants to date a man. Which means, post current photos that feature
5. Yes, women post outdated photos of themselves, too. So use FaceTime on your iPhone (or use Skype, or whatever you have).  Before you agree to meet a woman, have a FaceTime chat!  If you don’t know how to use it, become familiar with it early in the relationship. It can save you (and her) a lot of grief and wasted time. Women (and men) often don’t like to do FaceTime or other types of video chats because it doesn’t show them in the best light or circumstances. If a woman is a smart cookie, she will work that out beforehand so that when she takes your prearranged FaceTime call she will present herself in the best possible light. You can do the same.

Profile

After you get a great photo to post, a well-written profile is essential. If you are not able to write a profile that spells out who and what you are, and what you are or are not looking for in a woman, then have a professional help you. Most men are able to compose their own profile (and many are fantastic) but some men are too lazy, or they think that just by being a male, not revealing too much about themselves or what they are looking for will attract the best looking babe on the site. Get over it and get down to business and tell your story as honestly as you can.

Many men complain that women are only looking for someone to support them. That may be true but in that regard, men often are their own worst enemy. Men provide the “candy” that entices the woman looking for a man to support her. Men boast they live in the best area, own a large debt-free home, and have a weekend home at the beach or cabin in the mountains. What a catch!

Men post photos of cars, boats, airplanes and other toys that suggest they are loaded. Men accuse women of dressing provocatively, but in their own way, men do the same thing by advertising and bloviating about their financial assets. Remember, you are looking for the last love of your life who is into YOU and is not lusting after your assets. Posting a laundry list of expensive assets is a dog whistle you may live to regret.

Just be honest, sincere and low key about who and what you are, what you have,  and what you are looking for. A smart woman will evaluate your profile very quickly and reject you if it appears you are a blowhard or above (or below) her social or education status.  If you are writing your profile yourself, watch your grammar! It not only reveals how educated or intelligent you are but shows how much or how little you care about presenting yourself in the best way possible.

Appearance And Cultural Change

A common complaint women often make about older men is, “they look so old” and “they act so old”.  That happens when a man becomes complacent about himself. He just doesn’t make an effort to stay “on deck” mentally and physically. He’s happy in his leisure do-nothing decline oriented lifestyle. Every old man looking for love MUST read The Power of Charm by Brian Tracy and Ron Arden. It’s short and to the point, and it’s fun. Every man who reads this book and practices simple steps the authors lay out will have new social skills that will enchant every woman he meets.

An older woman who remembers what men used to be like in her youth are disappointed she can’t find someone similar today. No, she’s not living in the past.  “Men are no longer men” she laments, and it’s true too often. They treat a woman like “one of the boys”, thinking romance is no longer necessary or they don’t remember how to be romantic such as sending flowers. They have been taught that women can open their own doors, pay for dates and reject other traditional courtesies.

When men meet a woman for that important first coffee, they often show up in a tee shirt and shorts. After all, that’s how everyone dresses, don’t they? No, smart men (and women) dress to impress and that’s always been true regardless of prevailing social norms. At least, put on a pair of big boy pants and a neat shirt or polo. Look like you don’t live in a dumpster!

Many men have been culturally castrated by the so-called “women’s movement” — rabid females totally involved with their own needs and wants, rejecting traditional roles, and  infesting social media and TV, causing mayhem in the workplace,  irately complaining  about men who suffer from “toxic masculinity”,  meaning men still able to function as men. When men get enough emotional and legal abuse hurled at them by women striving to be the best CEO or best Marine, men become reclusive and resentful. They don’t know how to be around a woman who is looking for a traditional man.

Undoubtedly, sexual harassment happens but charges are not always true.  In the workplace, men have learned to either not be alone with a woman, or to pretend they don’t notice women because they don’t want to be reported for sexual harassment for casually commenting appreciatively on a woman’s appearance.  Women dress to attract men and when men respond to their low-cut tops and short skirts, they are shot down.

The bottom line is that many men no longer know how to socially function as men and women no longer know how or want to be traditional women and as a result, both are frustrated and unhappy.  It’s a mess but most traditional women are hopeful they will find a “real” man among all the bruised male egos strewn across the landscape created by the women’s movement. For traumatized men, reading The Power of Charm can help them get back in the dating game with confidence.

The Great Deception

Most older men look terrible with white facial hair. I know it’s in style and a personal preference but hear me out.  A beard on a young man looks different than a beard on an old man. A white beard ages a man by at least 10 years and makes him look decrepit and unkempt as if he just rolled out of bed and didn’t bother to get cleaned up. If you think about it, it’s as nasty as pubic hair. Some older men with the right facial structure MAY look “distinguished” with a carefully trimmed beard but that doesn’t change some facts about beards. Here are a some to think about.

1. Men look different with and without facial hair. While cosmetics women use are washed off at night, a beard is 24/7. A woman might think about a bearded man in terms of, “why is he hiding his face? Why doesn’t he want anyone to see what he really looks like?” It’s tough for a woman to have a relationship with a man whose face she cannot see.
2. A beard may also hide who a man really is on the inside. When we are young our misdeeds and unkind thoughts are hidden behind a youthful face. As time goes on, all the thoughts we have thought and things we have done are reflected in the face and facial hair covers the image of what a man has become. How often have you seen photos in the Post Office of “America’s Most Wanted”?  Photos of a man will be shown with and without a beard because a beard hides his face which can look downright mean and nasty.
3. Beards are a haven for bacteria. When you see a guy with facial shrubbery you have to wonder how much-decayed leftovers from last week’s dinner (or whatever) remain fossilized deep in the nooks and crannies of the whiskers. Microbiologist John Golobic, at Quest Diagnostics,  found that in a beard, some of the bacteria “are the kind of things that you find in feces.” He added, “I’m usually not surprised, and I was surprised by this.” He continued,  “There would be a degree of uncleanliness that would be somewhat disturbing.”

Well, yes, fecal bacteria can be found all over a human body. But why add to the contamination with a beard? How many men do you know who do not wash their hands after using the restroom? Then they lovingly stroke the hair on their chin with unwashed hands. The interesting thing is that many men are in love with their facial hair. They imagine they couldn’t live without it. One hopes it keeps them warm at night.

A smart woman won’t ask a man to shave off his facial hair because it’s stupid to try to change anyone. His beard represents who he is. He thinks it improves his appearance. It’s a personal grooming choice and men are entitled to choose facial hair. However, a man has to live with the consequences if he meets a woman he likes and she can’t stand a beard! All of that said, for some reason, some women like a beard. They think it makes a man look distinguished, sexy or romantic. Whatever!

Health

We all have health issues that would not necessarily affect a relationship but If you use a cane or wheelchair to get around, or if you have a health condition that affects appearance or behavior, such as Parkinson’s,  reveal it in your profile. Women may have been a caregiver in the past and would prefer not to become a caregiver again if possible. That said, at an advanced age we never know what will happen to us — and we must be willing to deal with whatever happens in a partner’s life.

Messaging

One thing men and women universally complain about in online dating is the failure to acknowledge messages. A man sends a message to a woman asking about something in a woman’s profile and the reply is crickets. Or, the other way around — a woman sends a message to a man and he doesn’t respond. It’s common and maddening. We live in an uncivil society and lack of courtesy is rampant and needs to stop.  If a woman writes to you — regardless of the content or tone of her message — write back!

If the woman’s profile or message doesn’t appeal to you, that’s fine — just be courteous. Thank her for writing and wish her the best. She will get the message that you are not interested.  She may even think you are a stud for taking time to say “thank you” for writing. At least you showed you are a gentleman with a sense of civility, and that’s pretty rare and sexy!

The other thing that is exasperating is when men DO reply, it’s with just one or two words that suggest he has no command of the English language or just doesn’t care. The obvious question is, why is he on the site if he isn’t ready to properly respond to messages? In all that you do, be a confident man and let women know it!

Age

Men complain women lie about their age. They do, and men do it too. That said, age should NOT be an issue later in life. Your age is just a number that tells how long you’ve been alive. It is NOT certification of competence, health, cognition, sexiness or anything else. Even though the lifespan has increased by 30 years in the past century,  and men and women are healthier and often stay attractive and viable longer, our horse and buggy culture still worship “the number” of a person as an inviolable measure of suitability for a partner.

Many men state that they are looking for a woman 10-15 or more years younger than they are. A woman thinks, “If a man is 75 now and I’m 60, I’ll still be young when he is old and feeble  — or dead.” Of course, if a woman senses she has snagged a financial winner, the age difference may not matter to her. She can look forward to being a widow with a nice bank account. The bottom line is, get over “age anxiety” because your concern about a woman’s age being more years than you would like may cause you to lose the last and possibly, the best love of your life. Remember that statistically, women live longer than men.

Sex

And then there is SEX. It has become a norm for men (and often, women) to expect casual sex sooner than later. For many men, sex is what makes their world go round and their reason for living and they want assurance that a woman will be “on board” as early in the game as possible — like tonight. You barely know each other? So what. After all, it’s just sex. Or, is there more to sex than sex?

If a woman tells you she doesn’t want to have sex with you until you both are in love and agree to a monogamous committed relationship, celebrate it! It has nothing to do with old-fashioned, outdated virtue. She is not being a prude. She is just being smart. She may be free of infection, but how about you? Reality can be nasty. The number of hard-to-cure STDs is through the roof and growing,  even for “old” people. Consider these headlines from news stories: “Seniors having sex leads to a spike in sexually transmitted diseases” and ” Seniors’ sex lives are up — and so are STD rates” — see these stories and more on the Internet.

Because pregnancy is no longer a concern, men don’t want to use a condom. Or, they mistakenly think a condom will prevent disease. Jumping into bed with every willing female is putting your (and her) health in jeopardy.  Syphilis had been under control but is now back and raging. Gonorrhea lesions, now found in more places of the body, especially in the mouth, is becoming more resistant to antibiotics. Recall that actor Michael Douglas admitted his reckless sexual lifestyle was responsible for contracting for what he thought was cancer in his throat, a result of his admitted oral sex. HPV infections are increasingly responsible for neck cancer in men. Men may unknowingly have  HIV after having sex with random women.

Tragically, men or women, who know (or suspect) they are infected often fail to reveal it to a partner. This is not my imagination — bulletins from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control are very clear about it.

So pause and take a breath before you get bent out of shape when a woman says sex can wait. If you like each other and wait until you have gotten to know and trust each other and have discussed the possibility of disease and are willing to be tested, both can enter into the relationship at peace and with a clear conscience. Yes, that’s unrealistic for today but don’t say you didn’t know about the seriousness of the situation.

Religious and Political Preferences

This can be a biggie, but it doesn’t have to be. If religion is important to you and you meet and like someone with a different religion, each of you will have to decide if it is an issue and if it is, decide how to deal with it. Political differences are even more tricky. Some men hate Trump so much they can’t stand a woman who has a political preference different from his. Don’t argue about sex, religion or politics. Don’t try to change anyone’s thinking or behavior! If you can’t settle things amicably, move on. At this stage of life, it’s crazy to argue about things you cannot change. Let it go. Looking for love is like waiting for transportation. The next bus will be arriving shortly.

Location

Unless you are willing to travel, and most older men are not willing (or able) to travel even short distances, don’t start a conversation with a woman who lives farther away than a distance you are willing or able to drive to. It’s not smart to develop a fantasy phone or email relationship that can’t possibly go anyplace except to Heart Break Hotel. If you still drive and are REALLY willing to drive a long distance, make it known in your profile.  Bottom line: don’t waste your time or a woman’s time. It’s not fair to her or to yourself.

Last Word

I hope all of this has been helpful. Have a successful and safe online journey as you look for the last and possibly, the best love of your life. If you have comments, suggestions, questions or disagreements about this essay, I want to know about them! You can message me at bm575109@gmail.com. Your feedback is important and appreciated and I promise absolutely and positively, that you WILL get a reply from me! Not from an assistant, but from me.

©Barbara Morris 2019 All rights reserved

Barbara Morris is a pharmacist and the author of The New Put Old on Hold available on Amazon.  She also publishes the monthly “The Put Old on Hold Journal” and you can subscribe here. It’s free.