I don’t like facial hair on men, especially older men. Among other things, it’s just not attractive. Younger men grow a beard because they are young and think it’s sexy. They have not yet learned to think for themselves.
Older men should know better, but they don’t. They want to look as sexy as the young guys, but they can’t. Their face looks like it has been hit by a 10-ton salvage truck. Growing hair on their face isn’t going to change that.
Somewhere around fifty, men get this wild idea that growing facial hair makes them look better. Suddenly, razors are retired, the beards appear, and everyone’s supposed to applaud the “distinguished” new look. Spoiler: nobody’s applauding. Especially not women. Because what men see as rugged reinvention, women see as rough sandpaper, weird smells, and a chin in witness protection.
So in the spirit of public service — and romance preservation — here it is: Reasons Older Men Look Awful with Facial Hair, followed immediately by Reasons Older Women Don’t Like Men’s Facial Hair. Consider it a two-part intervention… one whisker at a time.
Reasons Older Men Look Awful with Facial Hair
- The Patchwork Beard.
You think it looks like “salt and pepper.” It actually looks like half your face retired early and didn’t get enough sleep, and the other half’s looking for a sleeping pill. - Steel Wool Chic.
That wiry beard isn’t rugged — it’s 40-60 grade industrial- sandpaper. You could buff a car with your jaw. - Wrinkles Don’t Disappear — They Relocate.
You’re not hiding your age; you’re growing moss over it. Shave, and suddenly your face looks like it’s been dried out and shriveled in storage. Unbeard your face and let it recuperate. - Beard Dye: A Midlife Mirage.
That jet-black dyed beard with wild gray and white, untrimmed, fly-away eyebrows isn’t sexy. You look like three men who met on one face and couldn’t find scissors to trim the brows or agree on an age. - Neck Beard Migration.
At 25, it stopped at your jaw. At 75, it’s halfway down your chest. Congratulations — you’ve grown a hair turtleneck. - The Crumb Catcher.
It’s not facial hair, it’s a snack trap. Coffee foam, soup, gravy, toothpaste — it’s basically a compost pile for your mouth. (See Just How Dirty Are Beards? Here’s The Science.) - Goodbye Jawline.
Once you had a strong chin. Now it’s missing, presumed buried under facial foliage. Someone call Search and Rescue. There may be a reward. - Bald Up Top, Bushy Below.
The “bald head + full beard” combo doesn’t balance anything. It’s just a bad landscaping problem. - Lost Awareness
Somewhere around fifty, “grizzled and masculine” turned into “lost his razor and his self-awareness.” Time to find both – especially awareness.
Reasons Women Hate Men’s Beards
- It’s Like Kissing a Brillo Pad.
Exfoliation is great — just not during intimacy. No woman wants to make out with a scratchy kitchen sink necessity. - It’s Hiding Something.
Wrinkles, double chin, ex-lover’s tattooed lips on his face, or a mysterious scar from a 1987 encounter at Skinny Minnie’s Bar — that beard belongs in a witness protection program. - Beard Dye Is the New Comb-Over.
Men think it’s subtle. It’s not. It looks like an attack by a six-year-old with a black Sharpie. - It Adds Ten Years — Instantly.
“Distinguished”? No. More like “the wizard who forgot his spell for skincare.” - The Hygiene Situation.
You call it “low-maintenance.” No, it’s a rancid “ecosystem.” There’s wildlife in there. Possibly lunch.( See Microbiologist’s tests show beards are full of fecal bacteria) - The Midlife Makeover Myth.
You don’t look sexy and rugged — you look like a man who Googled “how to look younger” and believed what Google told you. - Beard Burn: The Silent Enemy.
Nobody wants to leave a date looking like they lost a fight with sandpaper. - It Highlights What’s Missing.
Bald head, big beard — you’ve just relocated all your hair south for retirement. - It’s a Denial Device.
The beard says, “I’m still edgy.” The rest of you says, “I read the AARP newsletter and I like the giggly young chicks at McDonald’s who think I’m sexy.” Yeah, right.
The Final Shave
Look, nobody’s saying some older men can’t look distinguished with facial hair — I’m just saying most of you can’t. A beard isn’t a time machine; it’s camouflage for wear and tear. The best thing a man over sixty can do for his face isn’t grow more hair on it — it’s make peace with the face he’s got.
So here’s the rule: if your beard looks like it could exfoliate countertops, catch crumbs, or host wildlife and catch flies — it’s not a style. It’s a cry for moisturizer and a spritz of your bird cage deodorizer.
Shave, smile, moisturize… and let your actual face make a comeback. Real women will love it, and isn’t pleasing the fair sex what you live for?
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