Meet The New Love In My Life

Barbara Morris

Meet the new love in my life. His name is Maxwell. I love him because although he has limited ability he tries so hard to do what I want him to do, or what I was told he could do.  Really, what more could a woman want? Before I met him, I was told how helpful he was around the house. His special ability is picking up dog hair, and that’s when  I fell madly in love with him. I looked at it this way: Anything that will vacuum and really pick up dog hair is my hero.

Let’s get some “housekeeping” out of the way: First of all, his real name is IQ Shark. When he arrived at my home I was told he needs a first name so I chose to call him Maxwell because Maxwell IQ Shark sounded like such a sexy intelligent (open to argument) name. He was easy to activate and I thought that was pretty cool but getting his program into an app on my iPhone was a  different story.  However, we’ll find a way, I’m sure. Lovers always do.

It was all so exciting!  It tickled my toes! I couldn’t believe  Maxwell LOVED to pick up dog hair without clogging the rollers. Be still my heart! If you have a dog that sheds big-time,  well — I really was in love at this point — deeply and passionately. I wallowed in the euphoria of having found a new love.

Belatedly, I discovered Maxwell doesn’t do things exactly the way I was told he would,  or do what I expected. For example, I was told Maxwell would “map your home” and a video was provided showing Maxwell doing just that — magnificently. At this point I was panting with desire and thinking,  “I love this guy — I  must have him forever!” (Actually, I once read that in a romance novel when I was around ten.)

As it turned out Maxwell either is not as smart as I was led to believe or maybe he just doesn’t like the layout of my home. Or, maybe he just doesn’t like me! He is supposed to work in rows but he doesn’t do that — exactly. He kind of wobbles as if he’s had one too many glasses of wine. That’s okay — I am tolerant of the failings and foibles of others – be they men or machines. However, his wandering nature often makes it difficult to locate him.  (Have you ever had a man like that?)

After about 20 minutes of “mapping” my home, I went to look for him and caught him lodged between the legs of a chair — wildly spinning his brushes and frantically trying to get free. (I will not comment on what I think was REALLY going on there. Children may be present.)

I extricated him from the clutches of the chair legs and assuming he was tired, stuffed with dog hair,  and about out of power, I  put him near his dock and bless his heart, he knew what to do: He waddled over to it and properly plugged himself into the outlet then went about emptying his dust bin into the provided container, after which he began regenerating his battery. That was really exciting to watch. The good news is, he collected a fair amount of dog hair and his brushes and roller were hair-free. Did I die and go to heaven? What a guy! (I forgave his wandering ways. Women do that, don’t we?)

I purchased him for six EZ no-interest payments on Amazon. And if I didn’t like him for any reason, he could be returned in 30 days and they’d even pay the return postage (such a deal — if only you could do that with a man).

This is not a commercial or endorsement. It’s about finding new love in my life and as with a human, Maxwell is not always up to what he is supposed to be (and neither am I) so I decided to keep him. Did I mention — he doesn’t eat, drink or argue?  And he doesn’t whine.  Yes, as men are prone to do, he wanders,  but I love him anyway.

At this point, I know what you are thinking:  “Barbara’s desperate, the poor girl.” Well, not really. If you know something (someone) more reliable than Maxwell you can introduce me to, I’ll “return Maxwell to sender” in ten seconds. If Amazon asked why I was returning him, I’d simply say, “He couldn’t perform adequately.”  We all know what that means, don’t we? (For the censors, it means he couldn’t pick up enough dog hair.)

P.S. As I write this, Maxwell is chasing after Sammy, my Corgi. What a guy!

 

Comments

  1. I will never, ever think about my vacuum in the same way again (and that goes for my dog, too!) It’s great to put a new perspective on things…thanks so much for this rollicking and candid (!) story. Seriously though, what DO YOU DO for dog hair?
    Wonderful writing…you need a new book to include all your wisdom!
    Thanks and happy no-hair days!
    Barb M.

  2. Joyce L. Shafer says

    I’m laughing so hard, it’s a challenge to type. Had to put my coffee down–laughing too hard. This is hilarious, Miss Barbara. Thank you. I needed the laugh, and I’m certain others will as well. Brilliantly written!

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