Some thoughts for the Day

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.” I whispered back, “Bring pizza.”

Me: (sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red)…I can’t see you anymore. I am not going to let you hurt me like this again! Personal Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did ONE sit-up!

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.

Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?
   Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

Never sing in the shower! Singing leads to dancing, dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked. So remember…Don’t sing!

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you. So I took her to Subway, and that’s how the fight started.

During the middle ages, they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies. Does anyone know if there is anything planned when this one ends?

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to, ‘Where do you see yourself five years from now?’

So if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

If you can’t think of a word, say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

Cronacoaster noun: the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread, and going for long walks, and the next, you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast, and missing people you don’t even like.

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you. Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.

How many of us have looked around our family reunion and thought, “Well, aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?”

You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

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